Jon Hamm
Do you suffer from white thoughts? White thoughts are a symptom of an aggressive disease called "Acute Viral Perceptive Albinitis."

Violence isn't the answer.

Thought cloud above Jon's head: Also don't all lives matter?

Also known...as whiteness.

Person (another Jon Hamm) enters scene to rub black ointment on Jon's head. "White be Gone" flashed on the screen in cursive with an fictitious audience applause track

The whiteness virus targets healthy, culturally, and ethnically specific cells. Italian, Irish, Scandinavian, etc., and what have you. The Albinitis then attacks and destroys any cultural or ethnic specificities using an arsenal of fake holidays, seventeenth century aristocratic class warfare, the one drop rule, and Elvis.

Luckily, we have a cure

in unison with the background of white coat doctors and patients in blue smocks

All
White Be Gone!

Choir
White thoughts get cured
By White Be Gone

Humming a gospel tune

Jon Hamm
Amen.

I'm Jon and I'm an actor. And I have to confess to you that at one time, I, yes even I, suffered from white thoughts.

Thought cloud above Jon's head: Poor Muslims. I would never live in a country that tells women what to wear!

Choir
Yes he had white
Thoughts in his head

Jon Hamm
A Muslim friend of mine told me she was stopped at the airport every time she would travel, and I, in the throes of my Albinitis, suggested that she refrain from wearing her headscarf, so as not to inconvenience the airport security

Choir
Yes it's a fact!
He really said that!

Humming

Jon Hamm
You see I know from firsthand experience, to be plagued by white thoughts can be deceptively euphoric, because it gives victims of whiteness a profound sense of identity and purpose, as well as unbridled populace, political power.

Jon begins to hesitate with his lines. They cut recording the commercial, but an outside camera records the stage set up as well as the scenes when the other camera equipment stopped. The Black director of the commercial enters the scene

Director
Jon, is everything alright?

Jon Hamm
Uh, I know we talked about this, I don't really want to belabor the point, but…

Director
Yeah, out with it

Jon Hamm
Um...well, it's just, I know we sorta talked about, uh…, the spectrum of ethnic identities sort of subsumed in whiteness, and, you know, I'm not exactly, you know, white-white. I'm more of an...Irish---

Director hold his palm in the air

Director
Jon, I empathize. I understand. I hear you.

Jon Hamm
Good, good. ‘Cause I don't want to---

Director
But you aren't here because of your relative cultural proximity to the whites. You are here because the people that call themselves white, those victims, for whatever reason, they trust you and that...beautiful beige face of yours.

You see, drunk with whiteness, stumbling in their stupor, you have what it takes to sober them, with that...bullish sincerity in your spirit.

Close up on director's face

Director
They need you.

Director paces back and then comes forward

Director
Help them.

"commercial" continues

Jon Hamm
And, so friends, the reason white thoughts are so difficult to treat is because of this little spectrometer right here. No matter where your white thoughts fall on the spectrum, from burning crosses and wearing sheets, to engaging in the secret suspicion that your Guatemalan housekeeper holds some sort of grudge against you, to sitting there, comfortable on your laptop, watching this infomercial saying out loud to yourself

cues in another Jon Hamm watching the infomercial on his bed

Another Jon Hamm
None of this applies to me. I read Noam Chomsky. I'm not...racist

Jon Hamm
Maybe not, Jon. But sadly, "I'm not racist" spoken aloud is a classic white thought. You see, because of their diversity, these white thoughts are incredibly difficult to treat, so we must remain vigilant, and remember that all these white thoughts stem from the same virus, and are thus all the same sh*t.

Choir
All the same sh*t!

Jon Hamm
But don't worry. We at Dax Pharmaceuticals have created a cutting edge, topical non-invasive treatment for white thoughts. Using turn-of-the-13th century nanotechnology, we have managed to create a topical ointment that when massaged into the temples, enters through the pores into the limbic system of a person infected with whiteness.

Lazercism, another item by Dax Pharmaceuticals, is shown on screen with LaKeith Stanfield

LaKeith Stanfield
Also from Dax...Lazercism. The exciting technological revolution from Dax that allows you to laser your racial glaucoma away

on screen changes to show both White Be Gone and the Lazercism logo. Then, screen changes to Jon Hamm in a room with a group of dancers circling around him in a well timed choregraphy that switches moves based on the side effects

Jon Hamm
Side effects may include, but are not limited to Black thoughts, existential crisis, bouts of amnesia, a loss of social power, acceptance of the mortality of yourself and your culture. Your white friends wondering "What's gotten into you?" Your parents worrying that you might bring a biracial child into the world, and what type of life would that be?

Dry mouth.

Terence Nance pauses the video to respond to a message from Annalise Lockhart and asking Lockhart to share on feedback on the show thus far

Annalise Lockhart (text message)
iiiiiiiiight, in the brotherhood…

Between this one and the white angel/white devil piece – it seems to me that as ARTIST we should be addressing whiteness less…

and affirming Blackness more..

Just wanted to put that out therefore

Fuk them, I'm not stuntin them.

Terence Nance smiles before typing on the keyboard

Terence Nance (text message)
You right..

---
Credits: Random Acts of Flyness S1E1: What Are Your Thoughts Raising Free Black Children?